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The EIGHT DO'S:
How to Make your Narcissist dependent on you If
you INSIST on staying with him.
By Dr Sam Vaknin
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- Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree
with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as
if everything is just fine, business as usual
- Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist
which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to
line up future sources of primary NS for your narcissist because
you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over
the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that
much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for
them to pull their haughty stuff - an inevitability, in any
case. . .
- Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating,
thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and
keeping the peace (relatively speaking).
- Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you,
but it is a take it or leave it proposition.
- Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the
narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment
and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or
says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works
really well but should be reserved for special occasions when
you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you;
the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but
it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with
the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I
am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable
fashion".
- If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations,
preferably before they become "situations". Don't
for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the narcissist
- it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn
- they just simply can't be fixed.
- If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your
narcissist become aware of their condition, and this is VERY
IMPORTANT, with no negative implications or accusations in the
process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped
person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what
the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the
two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to
change them.
- FINALLY, and most important of all: KNOW YOURSELF. What are
you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist?
A codependent perhaps? Why is this relationship attractive and
interesting? Define for yourself what good and beneficial things
you believe you are receiving in this relationship. Define the
things that you find harmful TO YOU. Develop strategies to minimize
the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively
be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are.
You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist
to tone down on the really harmful behaviours THAT AFFECT YOU
which emanate from the unchangeable WHAT the narcissist is.
This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and
open relationship.
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By Sam Vaknin ('Do's & Don'ts' co-authored
with Alice Ratzlaff)
Sam Vaknin has a combined doctorate in physics and philosophy.
He has collaborated with Israeli psychologists and criminologists
in the study of personality disorders and is the author of "Malignant
Self Love: Narcissism Revisited (With Diskette)" (available
from Book Institute of Mental Health - BIMH - and from Barnes
and Noble and, as an e-book, from BIMH, Booklocker, SoftLock,
CyberRead and from others).
He is the editor of the Mental Health Disorders and Central and
Eastern Europe categories in the Open
Directory Project and in Searcheurope.com
as well as the editor of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder
topic in Suite101 and Go.com.
He is currently serving as the Economic Advisor to the Government
of Macedonia
Sam Vaknin can be found on the web at http://www.geocities.com/vaksam
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