Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity (continued)

By Dr Sam Vaknin

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The thwarted logic goes like this: "I am married/attached to this woman. Therefore, I am not allowed to be in any kind of touch with other women, which might be interpreted as more than casual or businesslike. This is why I refrain from having anything to do with women - because I am loyal, as opposed to most other immoral men. However, I do not like this situation. I envy my free peers. They can engage in sex and romance as much as they want to - while I am confined to this marriage, chained by my wife, my freedom curbed. I am angry at her and I will punish her by abstaining from having sex with her." He minimises all types of intercourse with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, very intimate friends): sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself to the rawest exchanges of information and isolates himself socially. This way he insures against a future hurt and avoids the intimacy that he so dreads. But, again, this way he also secures abandonment and the replay of old, unresolved, conflicts. Finally, he really is left alone by everyone, with no secondary sources of supply. In his search for them, he again embarks on ego -mending bouts of sex, followed by the selection of a spouse or a mate (a secondary Narcissistic Supply Source). Then the cycle re-commence: a sharp drop in sexual activity, emotional remoteness and cruel detachment leading to abandonment.

The second type of narcissist is mostly sexually loyal to his spouse. He alternates between what appears to be hyper-sexuality and non-sexuality (really, forcefully repressed sexuality). In the latter phase, he feels no sexual urges, bar the most basic. He is, therefore, not compelled to "cheat" upon his mate, betray her, or violate the marital vows. He is much more interested in preventing a worrisome dwindling of the Narcissistic Supply that really matters. Sex, he says to himself, contentedly, is for those who can do no better. I am often asked whether narcissists are some variant of exhibitionists. Somatic Narcissists tend to verbal exhibitionism. They tend to brag in graphic details about their conquests and exploits. In extreme cases, they might introduce "live witnesses" and revert to total, classical exhibitionism. This sits well with their tendency to "objectify" their sexual partners, to engage in emotionally-neutral sex (group sex, for instance) and to indulge in auto-erotic sex. The exhibitionist sees himself reflected in the eyes of the beholders. This constitutes the main sexual stimulus, this is what turns him on. This outside "look" is also what defines the narcissist. There is bound to be a connection. One (the exhibitionist) maybe the culmination, the "pure case" of the other (the narcissist).

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Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited (With Diskette) and "After the Rain - How the West Lost the East". He is a columnist in "Central Europe Review", United Press International (UPI) and InternetContent.net and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory, Suite101, Go.com and searcheurope.com. He is the Economic Advisor to theGovernment of Macedonia. His web site: http://samvak.tripod.com